Surviving the Domestic Jungle

I was catching up on my recorded shows this morning and one of those shows was the Valentines show on The Talk. It was really cool because they had 50 couples on the set and they said “Who here wants to purpose?” and 50 men got down on one knee to purpose to their girlfriends. It was a pretty cool, emotional moment. It got me thinking about the 2 times I have been purposed to. My first proposal was crap. Absolute crap but the marriage didn’t work out so maybe that was why. My proposal was him going and buying me a wedding band (not engagement ring!) and asking me if I liked it and then following me to the bathroom and asking me to marry him while I was peeing. Gosh, i just cant believe that marriage didn’t work out….that is sarcasm. Anyway, my second wasn’t some epic romantic moment either. I wasn’t feeling well and we were going grocery shopping and I was getting my daughter ready while we were waiting for my husband to come and get us so we could go together. He was at “work” and I didn’t even want to go to the store so I just waited outside for him so we could go quickly. He pulled up and had the ring and just purposed right there as it started to sprinkle. It wasn’t really romantic but I certainly wasn’t expecting it. Not at that moment at least! In someways it was the perfect proposal because I am not the type of girl who wants to be proposed to in a restaurant or on a jumbo-tron at a game or by some plane writing it in the sky. It may not be a romantic story but its our story.

I finally finished a Wedding and Event planning course I had been working on! This is a huge triumph for me as finding the time to even pee is a challenge. I think it would be something I would really enjoy though if I were ever to do it as a profession, I would have to have my own business and having your own business takes some serious confidence. Confidence which I seem to be lacking but am working on. I never went to college and the job I had for 5 years was handed to me on a silver platter. I have been lucky that everything was handed to me or I have been a mommy but because I have never really had to work for anything, I never gained the confidence that comes from working for something. I still, to this day, have no clue what I would go to college for. I have so many different interests that pinpointing a career or degree would be borderline impossible. I know what I don’t want to be but what I want to be is still yet to be decided. Because of that, I decided to do a little bit of everything that interests me until I figure it out. One of my biggest regrets (even though I don’t really regret it because I am content with the choices I have made) was not getting a formal education. Some may say it is never too late to go back to school….I disagree. With three little kids and no clue what I would want to be, now it not the time. Maybe when I am 40 I can join all the 18 year olds in algebra class!! I wouldn’t stand out or anything For now I am beyond thrilled with the baby step I took with finishing my course!

When my oldest was born, I remember holding her and wondering who she would be as she grew. What would her interest be? What would her sense of humor be like? How would she handle problems? You get the idea….I have felt that way about each of my babies and as they all grow into the people they are, I am in absolute amazement. I just cannot believe how lucky I am to have such awesome kids. I truly believe I am one of the luckiest moms ever. Do my kids stress me out? Sure, but all in all they are my favorite people on this earth. The child that has surprised me the most (so far) is my middle child, Hailey. When she was born, she was so sweet and mellow but when she was in the womb, I knew she would end up being a force to be reckoned with. Its weird how you can get to know your baby when you are pregnant! All you have to go on are their kicks and movements but yet I have known each of my kids dispositions from before I even met them! As my son grows, I look forward to seeing the kind of man he will become. I am not the perfect mom but I try really hard to ensure my kids happiness. I’m sure they will tell me I shouldn’t have done this or that but all in all I just hope they end up being the happy, confident, trusting little people that they are now when they are an adult. I do not want life experiences to harden them. They deserve the best childhood possible and I will work my butt off to provide them with it! As they grow, they will know that their old mom will always and has always been there for them <3

My youngest is rapidly approaching his first birthday and rapidly passing by his need for his first haircut. We have trimmed the hair around his ears a few times but he is turning into a little Justin Bieber! He has some curls so it is ok so far but I don’t know what to do with his hair. I want him to have the little boy bowl cut…but with his little curls. With my girls, I just let it grow. My oldest got her first haircut at 4 and that was after she gave that haircut to herself. My middle child has never had a haircut and doesn’t need one. When I was little my mom cut my hair into a bob with bangs and I was never patient enough to grow it out. I want my girls to have the option. If they want to chop all of their hair off and dye it green they can…when they are older! My sons hair is a major source of stress for me because I want it just right. It also saddens me because he is losing his baby things and becoming a man! Well, a little man but still a man. He walks, he needs a haircut! Whats next? He needs to shave and he has a girlfriend. Its going to quickly He is still a mamas boy thank god! When he decides he is too cool for me the devastation will be considerable. Speaking of haircuts, I need one myself but I am trying to not to succumb to the desire. I am letting it successfully annoy me each and everyday in an attempt to see how long I can let it grow before I freak out and chop it! I could kick my moms butt for the dreadful bob and bangs!

Ive heard over and over again that my writing is relatable so maybe if I write about the emotional roller coaster I am on it will help someone not feel so alone. I feel alone. I feel so profoundly sad and alone. My sadness keeps presenting itself as anger but trust me, the tears are tears of sadness. Breaking up is hard to do. Breaking up when you are an unemployed mother of three is not only hard but the stuff nightmares are made of. My faith will be tested. I have faith that things work out as they should and that is the sole driving force behind keeping the teeny bit of sanity I have left. I love my husband…very much. I don’t think he believes that at this point but I cant say I would believe him either. I feel riddled with guilt for my children and I am well aware that there are people all over the world who would kill to have what I have yet I seem to be throwing it away. I hope I dont come off as melodramatic. Maybe I shouldn’t share this info?….I thought about that. I decided that it was better to share and risk judgement than hold it all in. I tend to hold it in until I explode. Not a very good trait….If I let it out slowly, I will be able to keep my composure much better. I promise there wont be too many woe is me posts as I will get annoyed with myself!

I have not written in a few days and that is because my personal life….well, it really sucks. After much thinking, analyzing, hoping, crying and my version of praying, I have decided to end my marriage. It is with a very heavy heart that I say that and exposing myself and my darkest hour like this is hard. The only two people who know what goes on in a marriage are the two people in it, and both of those people have their own version of what happened. I have mine and my husband has his. It wasn’t one incident that lead us to this place and there really isn’t any blame to put on anyone. I don’t want to give details as they are pretty personal to us. This is awful and I feel awful and I am so scared for what is ahead of me. I’m afraid of doing it all by myself. I would say I am scared of losing my best friend but I think I lost him a long time ago. I do look forward to the challenges and I do look forward to the life lessons. I know that everything will be ok in the end regardless of how difficult it is to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Right now getting dressed seems like an enormous task. Unfortunately I must carry on as if I am not dying inside because there are three little people who depend on me to keep it all together. I don’t know what is going to happen and I don’t know how everything is going to work out but I know I am finally ready to take the first step and see where I end up. My life is and has been a very wild ride and I have learned along the way that each bump was a great lesson in something. My husband has taught me so much about the person I want to be and for that, and my children, I am eternally grateful to him.

I was contacted by a woman named Katie asking if she could be a guest blogger and of course I said yes! Below is her first post!! Enjoy

Last Minute To-Dos for Baby’s Arrival

Your due date is fast approaching and you feel prepared with the diaper bag and picture-perfect onesie packed and ready in the car for the exciting delivery day. The gas tank is filled and the doctor’s number is on speed dial for that all-important call to tell him or her you’re on your way. Are you still feeling like you’ve forgotten something? Take a deep breath and a few minutes to consider some items that could come in handy before you get to the delivery room.

Make a Birth Plan

This is not a required step before delivery but if you are a serial list maker, having a birth plan laid out on paper to hand to the delivery nurse when you walk into the hospital may help make you feel more organized. Although your obstetrician already knows your choices when it comes to the type of delivery and your chosen pain management method, a birth plan tells the nursing staff your expectations. Like a resume, keep it short, simple and sweet and written in concise language. You can point out any optional procedures, like cord blood banking, that you would like done after your delivery. Cord blood banking is where your baby’s umbilical cord blood is collected after birth and stored for your family, to potentially be used in the treatment of a future disease.

Breastfeeding or Formula?

With the research into the benefits of the first milk a new mother produces and its health benefits to a newborn, it’s little surprise that many women choose to breastfeed. Ask your obstetrician if the hospital has a lactation nurse on staff that can assist you with the fine points breastfeeding. Formula feeding is the other option for your newborn and proven to be just as effective and healthy for your newborn as breastfeeding. It really comes down to your preference of what you’d like to do. Discuss the options with your doctor to make the best decision for you and your infant.

Installing Your Car Seat

Hospitals today will not let you leave with your baby if you do not have a rear facing infant car seat properly installed. If you’re not sure how to properly install your car seat, visit your local police or fire station; someone there will be trained in the proper installation of the seats as well as have the strength to properly secure the restraints if you don’t feel like you can do it yourself. If you’ve been given a car seat from a friend or family member, check with the manufacturer to be sure that it still meet all the safety regulations.

With all the excitement surrounding the arrival of your baby, taking care of these tasks before your new arrival will allow you to solely focus on welcoming your baby into the world.

“This article was written by Katie Moore. Katie is an active writer within the blogging community who discusses maternity, motherhood, prenatal health, childbirth and other topics within this niche.  If you have any questions or would like to connect with Katie please contact her via twitter @moorekm26.”

Last night I decided to do something for someone who rarely does anything for themselves: Me! I took a class on a topic that interests me and I loved every moment of it. I took my kids to my moms and then headed off to my class blasting the radio the whole way. When you have babies in the car, you cant blast the radio…unless it is the soundtrack to Tangled! We do blast that….Anyway, I was super duper nervous because I haven’t taken a class of any sort since 1999 so I was a little scared. I didn’t know what to expect or what kind of people would be there. I sat by myself all uptight but by the end of the class I was the shining star! I hate to sound cocky but I just stood out. Most of the class was women over 50 and then a few men and then me and one other woman in our 30′s. I absorbed every bit on information presented and I really enjoyed the experience. I had a full 4 or 5 hours of just being Cortney. I didn’t have to worry about diapers or crying and screaming. I got to be an adult, a woman and basically free for a little while. I ate a few pieces of chocolate (its was Valentines day after all) and had an overall wonderful time. On the love end of things, I saw my husband maybe 10 minutes yesterday so it wasn’t exactly a day of love but I knew it wouldn’t be. I did however eat chocolate guilt free so all in all a fabulous day

I find it very difficult to be a human being. Let me explain. See, I try to see the best in people. Its actually a flaw of mine that I see people for what they COULD be and not what the ACTUALLY are. I see the potential in everyone and when they don’t live up to it, I am thoroughly disappointed. Its becoming a problem. I keep getting let down because people are who they are, not who they could be. I’m not sure why I do that to myself but I do and hence: being a human being is hard. I love to be alive and everyday is an absolute gift and pleasure (no matter how hard or how boring) but that doesn’t take away from the fact that life can be a tricky business. I am scared life will harden me and any naivety or innocence will eventually be forced out of me leaving a hardened human with the inability to love, trust or have faith. I am not there yet but each let down I keep inching further and further to the line that once crossed, you can never come back from. I seem pretty dark in these last few posts and I don’t mean to be. Sometimes I just write and what comes out comes out. This is one of those times. I spend a lot of time in my head analyzing myself and situations I am dealing with because I firmly believe that through awareness comes change and I am constantly trying to stay aware. I just feel kind of sad and disappointed and disillusioned these days. Thank goodness yesterday is over and today could shape up to be a wonderful day!

I’m so frustrated today. I am just so annoyed at the world right now! I am annoyed by the judgement and bad intentions and nonsense. I feel very alone sometimes and that’s not because I am superior in any way to anybody, I just try to view the world in a different way than most. I look beyond the crap and get down to the heart of the matter, the true meaning behind every action. I’m tired of people NOT getting the point! In life, you are supposed to learn lessons and then progress as a human. Its what life is all about! Learning from mistakes! We all do it starting from the time we are babies and we eat yellow snow or touch a hot burner! We learn to never do it again…or we are supposed to! Some people chose to grab a slice of bread and perhaps a lovely cup of tea to sip on while they overindulge in pee snow! What the hell is that all about? Life will continue to throw the same lessons at you over and over again until you hit a brick wall and you are forced into ‘getting’ it. Never allow yourself to get to the brick wall because the brick wall is not a good place to be! I try so damn hard to be aware of absolutely everything and every action I take and everything I do because I want to learn and I want to be a better person. I don’t want to stay stuck in some self destructive pattern and then worst of all, judge other people for their own self destructive patterns! Ugh! I need to think about what my lesson is in all of this…..