Surviving the Domestic Jungle

Last night I had the absolute pleasure of watching the first 5 minutes of the movie Bridesmaids. That was about all the peace and quiet I was allotted until about 1am. I will hopefully finish the movie tonight….Anyway, the first part of the movie had my beloved Don Draper (otherwise known as Jon Hamm) and he was quite a loser. His sex was out of control. There was this episode of Sex and the City that referred to is at the Jack Rabbit. I am not a fan of the Jack Rabbit. Perhaps TMI but this needs to be said because as you could tell from the movie, she was not enjoying it at all. It is painful and unpleasant if it goes on for too long. I suppose there are women out there who like feeling like their vagina’s are going to break but I am just not one of them. I don’t want injuries! As I have said before, I am vanilla ice cream and that Jack Rabbit kind of sex is a little too Rocky Road for me. It doesn’t take skill on the mans part, they are just acting like a caveman or an animal. No finesse, no talent and no consideration for the woman. I am so glad I am done with dating and experiences like that. Its great being married and saying “what the hell are you doing?” and it not ruining the mood. Relationship sex is hands down better than any other sex and there is no place for rabbits or other various animals in the bedroom…except for maybe the occasional doggie (style)! Oooohhhh this post is scandalous for little conservative me!!!

I wish I could just get a business loan without having to qualify or prove myself in some way. I was thinking about what I would do if I had a ton of money to start something and I would (or at least I think I would) design and build (or buy if already built and just needed renovations) a building to be a place for wedding receptions, corporate events etc. I call it a banquet hall but Im not sure if that is the correct term! Anyway, I would have one room in this building be all glass, like a greenhouse so that at night you could be under the stars dancing, dining and celebrating. I would probably do 20 or 3 more rooms all with different themes like a Tuscan one and maybe a very contemporary one. I would have to think about that one….. I would have a full kitchen with chefs that would create a different menu for each menu and occasion. I would have a wide variety of dishes, linens, tables and chairs. The way I see it, there is money to be made with weddings and babies. Nowadays having 2 or 3 marriages is pretty common and so is having 2 or 3 babies. Anything in those two industries probably has a pretty good chance at success. Somehow I don’t believe that a bank would give me the money required to do a business like that so for now it is just a dream and a lot of hard work away! Above all, I would put a small little one room apartment as an attachment to my office so I could have my kids with me. If I ever rent or own a location for a business, it will always have a place for my babies to be with me.

I wrote a post a few days ago about how I bought the same pair of pants three times, well now I am worried about buying a pair of high heels. I have been thinking about those stupid shoes for days! They probably aren’t even there anymore! The reason I am unsure is they are red and I have mentioned on here a million times how I am a vanilla kind of girl. I don’t wear red panties and bras and I don’t wear red heels….I’m just not THAT kind of girl. I would never buy red lingerie either…Anyway, they aren’t fire engine red so that’s why I am struggling. They are more of a burgundy red and I realize posts like this pretty much make me a certifiable lunatic but these are big decisions to me because A) I hate to spend money and B) I hate to spend money and then not use what I spent the money on. I have a pair of shoes in my closet that I have had for at least 4 months and have never worn and it irks me. Wasteful. Anyway, being I am not a red kind of girl, I think it would be good for me to buy them for that reason alone. It is way outside my comfort level and I am trying to step outside of my beige colored box. It causes anxiety to someone like me. I am a conservative girl. I’m not a lady in the street and a freak in the bedroom, I am a freak in the streets and a lady in the bedroom. I am open about my freakness and embrace it wholeheartedly!

My daughters birthday is coming up and we have planned to have her birthday at the local Zoo. I told Avery she could have 10 of her school friends and then cousins and out of town friends. I have to pay the discounted admission for all of the kids so I didn’t want too many! Her teacher informed me that she had to invite the whole class if she wanted to pass out invitations at school. What the heck is this all about?! When I was a kid you took the invitations, bada boom, bada bing…done! Now you have to invite the WHOLE class?! I am not footing the bill for a class trip! There are 23 kids in her class! I’m hoping the teacher is mistaken because that is the craziest thing I have ever heard. Birthday parties cost enough as it is. I’m actually a little pissy about this because who is the school to tell you who you can and cannot invite? I understand that it is on their property that the invitations will be passed out but still this just seems wrong. Her teacher said she would double check and if they say it has to be the whole class, I will invite the whole class but put in the invitations for the kids she didn’t want that there is a $5 charge for admission. Kind of screwed up but 23 x $5 admission = $115 just for her friends to get in! Not including all the food, drinks, cake and decorations for 23 people! And that is just the kids from school. Between family members and out of towners, it will be a heck of a lot more than that and I don’t know what else to do about this. I guess I will just wait to hear back and see what happens but man times sure have changed…

UPDATE:  I spoke with Avery’s teacher and she must invite the WHOLE class to be able to hand them out at school so I guess that is just the way things are even though I disagree with them. I hope that some kids are busy that day or this is going to be a very expensive party!!

I am not sure if I ever told the story of how this blog came to be. If I did, it was a long time ago and I am not looking through almost 500 posts to double check! It all started in 2009 when I almost burnt down the house. We had just moved in to a house that had a gas stove when I had only electric stoves. I was not one for cooking to begin with so pretty much the concept of a stove was a new concept. I was a stay at home mom and was trying to be all domestic goddess like and was cooking a Lasagna. Not a fresh one, a frozen one but remember I was not one for cooking so the fact that I even turned on the oven was a miracle. Anyway, with electric stoves you have a storage compartment on the bottom and as I found out that day, gas stoves do not. Do NOT put anything in the drawer on gas stoves or they may just catch on fire. You see where this story is going….I turned on the oven and walked away because I was letting it preheat. A couple minutes later I smell something funny so I pop into the kitchen and there was black smoke pouring from that “drawer”. I freaked out and threw about 3000 gallons of water on it and through the now charred bbq tools in the backyard. It was a mess. A stinky stinky mess. As My husband and I were eating dinner that night, I was giggling about how I should write a book called “Surviving the Domestic Jungle” for moms like me who hadn’t the slightest clue what they were doing. I went that night and looked up my now domain name on godaddy and it was available. I was pretty surprised it hadn’t been snapped up. I let it go for a year. I looked it up again and it was still there and that is when I decided it was there for me and bought me address, contacted a website designer and decided to start a blog. The rest, as they say, is history…..

I had mentioned a few days ago that I was going to do a little redecorating around the house and so far so good. Cheap decorating tip alert: Changing your curtains can change the entire room. I took my living room curtains and put them in my bedroom and got new ones for the living room and the difference is amazing. I also moved my bed 6 inches and it has completely revitalized the space. I know it seems trivial but it works! Add a few throw pillows and you have a different looking room. I am still working on mine but it feels good to do it. I have been dragging my kids from store to store in the pursuit of perfection and if you have been reading my blog for a while, you know it took me a week to decide on napkins. I did buy the same pair of pants three times and I think I have commitment issues….not with the big stuff in life like marriage and children but with the most trivial things. I’m sure that is a red flag for something. Anyway, I went to this one store yesterday and my girls weren’t listening because they found a rack of Halloween costumes that were all fluffy and princess like. This woman saw me struggling and went right over to my kids and told them they were going home with her. Well, miracles of miracles happened and my kids came running for me! At first I was like ‘who is this woman’ and by the time we left I wanted to say ‘will you be my nanny!’. My kids sure do snap into shape when someone else tells them what to do but when I say it, they are like ‘do you hear that sound?’!!

I just got off the phone with my sister in law and I have to share the horrifically awful story she just told me. A few days ago she was mopping sweeping and feeling pretty good about her domestic skills when out of the corner of her eye she saw something….a rat. She said this rat from head to tail was about 15 inches long. Holy S-h-i-t! She said she started freaking out and crying and having pretty much a panic attack. I personally would have been hysterical. My brother is out of town so it is just her and my niece to deal with this hippopotamus sized rat. I’m not sure of the exact details but the next day, her mom came over and was holding my niece while my sister in law went to grab something out of the fridge and the rat JUMPED OUT OF THE FRIDGE AT HER! The damn thing was in her fridge and made a leap for her and she said she doesn’t even remember how she got on her kitchen counter. I thought I would have been hysterical at the first situation, this one I would have just died. She went and bought traps and thankfully has killed the small elephant rat but now she has to empty her fridge and try and figure out how it came in and if there are more. They live in the central, expensive part of the city where there have been issues because of the drought. No food and no water is bringing furry little friends out of the forests and into our homes and I am actually glad my neighbor has 6 outdoor cats. They can poop in my yard all they want if it will keep away the rats and snakes. Texas can be such a scary place and I am officially never going over to their house ever again.

Sometimes I think marriage is the best thing ever. A partnership that you build on and grow from. Sometimes I think marriage is the biggest absolute waste of time ever. I don’t think I am a relationship person so I struggle with marriage feeling….right. I prefer to be alone for most things. I like the freedom that comes from being single but the companionship of having your bud with you is also very comforting. Either way it is a struggle to make a marriage work. The crap thing is it never gets better. My mom and other women who have been at the marriage thing awhile seem to be dealing with similar struggles and my sister in law and I were giggling a few weekends back about how it never gets better. It actually isn’t funny because I had put a lot of hope in the fact that marriage turns into an easy breezy beautiful (cover girl) experience. It apparently does not turn into anything better, same old crap now just with wrinkles and sags. Yippee Frickin Skippee. Overall I am happy and proud of the family that my husband and I have built but some days if he just disappeared I would be ok with that. I’m sure he feels like that about me some days. Sometimes the love/hate thing gets a little annoying but I suppose bickering and annoying each other is just one of the many lovely aspects of marriage that we all deal with.

All last week I drove a rental because my husband was in a little fender bender that thankfully was not his fault. When we took it back on Friday, I forgot my super expensive digital camera in the front seat. It took me a day to realize what I had done and to retrace my steps. The rental place was closed all weekend to my anxieties dismay and first thing this morning my husband called and they thankfully had my camera in the lost in found. I think the breath I let out at that moment may be responsible for the windy day. I was RELIEVED to say the least. I very very very rarely lose things and I especially do not lose expensive things. Anyway, I went to pick up my beloved camera and the guy said they employ very honest employees. At first I was like that’s wonderful (which it is because thanks to the honesty of those individuals, I got back my very precious item) and then later it made me sad because why is that a special trait? If I was cleaning out a rental car, I would never steal a camera. I would only turn it into the lost and found. I wish more people were honest and true like that guy/ girl was who found my camera. The world needs more honest people and it shouldn’t be considered some special trait…it should just be the way it is. I may have on rose colored glasses but I think most people are overall good and decent people and I can only hope that everyone makes a conscience effort to be honest.

The carpool lane is always a good place for odd behavior and today was a real trophy winner! I was sitting in line, all innocent and conducting myself in the proper carpool protocol, and my eyes were assaulted by what they saw. The car in front of me had a life size stuffed cat in the rear window. Now, I can understand a 4 year old loving a stuffed cat but a grown woman with this is just a little odd to me. I do not get this behavior but I thoroughly enjoy it! People are so strange sometimes and occasionally I wonder if people think Im weird. I do weird things I suppose but I do not tote stuffed animals with me everywhere nor do I use them in my decorating. I have had the most enjoyably annoying experiences in that carpool lane. Between people cutting in front of me and the scary cat lady, I am a little scared by the parents at my daughters school to be honest. After the scary cat experience, I had a very cool moment with my daughter Hailey who is 2. We were driving in the car and Adele’s song Someone Like You came on. Hailey occasionally sings her favorite cartoon songs but when that song came on, she was belting it out and knew the words and everything! I was a very proud mother in that moment because I think Adele, like the rest of the world, is an absolutely gifted singer.